As You Were

What does it mean to be compatible? In a dating sense, I mean. Does it mean sharing interests and activities? The chemistry? Attraction, whether simply corporeal or carnal? Emotional connection? Intelligence? Having a community of supporting mutual friends? Does it mean not missing a beat when having a conversation? Disliking the same stuff? Believing in something mutually? How do you define compatibility?

The conventional wisdom is that compatibility, above all, entails someone who's willing to take them as they are and not change them. It's defined by taking the other person lovingly for his or her entirety and accepting them. It means not having to change yourself, because that's love.

Bullshit.

The best relationships are the ones that challenge us and change us. They change us to become better, to reciprocate, and to humble ourselves, because it's not about us. It never was. Relationship is never about the individuals, together or separate. It's about what's in between the two. It's about building and prioritizing the relationship before yourself or the other. It necessarily requires change. This contradicts the conventional wisdom of compatibility. The irony of compatibility is that it falsely assumes individualism. And we're told a lie that somehow if you and your partner both like kayaking, reading novels under the shade, and Star Wars, then you'll be fine. The argument is that you'll be better off if both share these interests rather than only one. That somehow, in a probabilistic sense, your relationship will be fruitful based on good compatibility. It's absurd. To be fair, it's great if two can enjoy an activity together. It's precious time spent together. Memories inscribed, love nurtured, and smiles engraved. But if relationships are founded on compatibility, it'll never stand attest to time. Compatibility is inherently selfish in nature. It's always about your interests and how their share of interests can fit into your life. Same can be said for personalities, intelligence, and physical-emotional chemistry.

I believe love has become an ideal. And with it, ironically, there's an equivocal pessimism. When we enter a relationship, we have clear expectations and desires. Many even subscribe to lists of traits they wish to find. Dating sites are notorious for them. From eye to hair colors, to height and jobs, school backgrounds, hobbies, and activities, we're led to believe we have a good chance at successful relationship because he or she is who you're searching for. But at the same time, the ideal has incited a pessimism that nobody is good enough. If the other person does not behave in accordance to our ideals we're quick to label them as flaws and dismiss them. We've got it backwards. We've put self-fulfillment before self-denial. And as long as we have it backwards, we'll imprison ourselves in disillusions.

In denial, as I were.