Narratives

The stories I tell myself and believe are the ones most compelling.

I used to talk to lots of people. Nowadays, I find little time to do so. And since I can't find the time to make new dialogues or engage with someone, I reflect on past conversations. I think about the context, their life-stage, and what I understood and what I did not. I wonder how some of the people I've stopped talking are doing. I wonder how they changed, or I think about how some of my friends I've stayed in touch over the years grew. I realize the past changes. The younger me was an absolutist; he cared little about what happened in the past and always looked forward. To him, the past remained as-is and it remained a fact, like the mosquitos trapped in ember. They were immovable. He was wrong; they move, and they can be stirred. And it's because people change; and people can change. And when you change, your perception changes also. Past, present, and future.

Years back, coming up to college I had a simple plan. I was relatively a simple boy and in a way, I still am. But I intended to keep things all simple; I'd do good in college, study what I enjoyed, go to a med-school, graduate, live somewhere rural, practice medicine, and enjoy hobbies with a family. And it's what many dream, coming into college. Is that good or bad? I don't know. It's naive, but naivety is neither moral nor immoral. Being a doctor or wanting to become one is certainly not immoral. I thought I'd be a doctor ever since I was young and that wish continued till my senior years in college where I took a turn. I no longer showed any interest in getting into a med-school. I began to think doctors were boring people, med-schools were overrated, and as a profession it seemed too constraint. I've become free of the Asian stereotype or the imposed choice of profession in the capitalistic society. So I went onto study something different. And I never looked back. Until now. I've always told myself that things worked for the better and that I should always be thankful at where I am now. That is a good attitude to have, and I should be thankful. But if I were to be fair to myself and test my character I'd stop assuming I was right and drop that narrative. The narrative is that I stopped dreaming of med-school willfully, and that I was the agent of change, when in fact I was passive. I had doubts whether I could get into med-school and whether I had the skills or talent. In effect and truthfully, the choice was never mine. It's convenient to believe that it was mine though. I'd feel more assured where I am right now, I'd be more confident, and I'd have more faith in myself. So, choosing the previous narrative makes more sense than the alternative. But at what cost?

Everyone has a narrative.

Francis Thomson
In attempts to improve your character, know what is in your power and what is beyond it.